LET'S SEE

I have decided that I will carve out thirty minutes each day for writing, I say carve out, thirty minutes is no hardship really but at least I am making myself accountable. It may end up here, on this blog, stay in my scrawly journal or it could even be part of a sacrificial burning of pages of negative thoughts, washed down with a bottle of red (that one’s for you Mum). This means that I won’t just be writing about what I’m doing and where I’m going in Paris but more about life here, day to day feelings. The laughter, the tears, the surprises, all of it -  like moments I gasp "holy shit" at a decorative art nouveau building, not expecting the elderly gentleman beside me to understand, but his face says otherwise. This is my diary, it all comes from me, it's a self-indulgent project and that feels rather nice.

From my latest posts you may have clocked on to the fact that I have not been so chirpy. I struggle with winter, I jest about going in to hibernation mode but it really is a dark time for me. This year I am trying to prepare myself better, find the comforts that will help me through, make me smile more and make the difficult days feel a little lighter. With such a small space of my own with a measly little window, I am already dreading it, but now being better equipped with my SAD light and setting little tasks for myself such as this, I’m hoping it’s not going to be as bad as my anxiety is telling me, making me fear.

Yesterday, I took thirty minutes to write about fear, my fears. It’s not a piece of writing I want to share here but I did send it to a couple of my closest confidantes. I was left open mouthed, emotional, at a response. I had quite the realisation about some of my behaviours, especially so around past experiences that I need to start letting go of, things that play in to my daily anxiety. I then realised that right now, I am in the perfect position to start working on these things, to take myself out of this greyscale box I’ve put myself in to, and be a bit louder about the way I dress, the thoughts in my head, the way I want to live my life and who I want to live it with. 

I have never put myself on a set path, I have worked hard and bounced, crashed in to and stumbled from pillar to post, not entirely sure what direction I was going in, but always having the strength and confidence to know that on the path so far I continue to grow with each post I hit. Now I am here in Paris, another place I’ve arrived at looking for growth, some independence, love, self worth. It’s a lot to look for, to ask, but I barely recognise the person I was a mere two years ago so I know it’s possible, it’s just called self development.

Let's see where this path takes me...